3. The Good and the Bad in Husbands and Wives

World Scripture

A good wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
She is like the ships of the merchant,
she brings her food from afar.
She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and tasks for her maidens.
She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
She girds her loins with strength
and makes her arms strong.
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle…
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her,
“Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
Proverbs 31.10-31

Sujata, the young wife of an eldest son of a rich merchant, Anathapindika, was arrogant, did not respect others and did not listen to the instruction of her husband and his parents. Consequently, some discord arose in the family. One day the Blessed One came to visit Anathapindika and noticed this state of affairs. He called the young wife, Sujata, to Him and spoke to her kindly, saying, “Sujata, there are seven types of wives: A wife who is pitiless, corrupt in mind, Neglecting husband and unamiable, Inflamed by other men, a prostitute bent on murder, Call that wife a slayer!
A wife who would rob her husband of his gains— Though little be the profit that he makes, Whether by craftsmanship, or from his trade, or by the plough— Call that wife a robber!
The slothful glutton, bent on doing nothing, A gossip and a shrew with strident voice, Who brings to low account her husband’s zeal and industry— Call that wife a master!
Who with loving sympathy, Just as a mother for her only son, For husband cares, and over his stored-up wealth keeps watch and ward— Call that wife a mother!
Who holds her husband in the same regard As younger sister holds the elder born, The meek in heart, who in his every wish her husband serves— Call that wife a sister!
And she who is as glad her lord to see As boon companions long apart to meet, A gracious character of gentle birth, a fond helpmate— Call that wife a friend!
If fearless of the lash and stick, unmoved, All things enduring, calm, and pure in heart, She bear obedience to her husband’s word, from anger free— Call that wife a handmaid!
Now she who’s called: a mistress, slayer, thief, Who’s harsh, immoral, lacking in respect, when death comes— Will wander in the miseries of hell.
But mother, sister or companion, slave, In precept long established and restrained, when death comes— Will wander in the happy heaven world.
These, Sujata, are the seven kinds of wives a man may have; and which of them are you?” “Lord,” said Sujata, “let the Exalted One think of me as a handmaid from this day forth.”
Anguttara Nikaya 4.91, Sujata Sutta (Buddhism)

If you marry a man and you want to be certain of always retaining him, work for him. With work you will always be able to retain your hold on men. If you do your work to the satisfaction of your husband, he will never leave you.

Remain faithful to your husband. Do not act as though you are married to a number of men at the same time. Lead a chaste life. If you do not listen to what I am telling you and you are unfaithful to your husband, all the men will jeer at you. They will say whatever they wish [and no one will interfere].

Do not act haughty to your husband. Whatever he tells you to do, do it. Kindness will be returned to you if you obey your husband, for he will treat you in the same manner.
A Winnebago Elder’s Instructions (Native American Religions)

Socrates’ wife Xanthippe would first abuse him and then throw water at him. He once joked, “Did I not say that Xanthippe was thundering now, and would soon rain?” When Alcibiades said to him, “The abusive temper of Xanthippe is intolerable,” he replied, “But I am used to it, just as I should be if I were always hearing the noise of a pulley, and you yourself endure to hear geese cackling.” To which Alcibiades answered, “Yes, but they bring me eggs and goslings.” “Well,” rejoined Socrates, “and Xanthippe brings me children.” Once, she attacked him in the market-place and tore his cloak off; his friends advised him to fight her off with his hands. “Yes?” said he, “And while we are boxing, you may all cry out, ‘Well done, Socrates! Well done, Xanthippe!’?” Socrates used to say, “A man ought to live with a restive woman. A horseman who can handle violent-tempered horses is easily able to handle all the others. Likewise, after handling Xanthippe, I can live easily with anyone.”
Socrates (Hellenism)

Teachings of Sun Myung Moon

What is the problem with families today? Isn’t it that both the husband and wife are insisting, “Live for my sake” and “You must love only me”? Such a selfish attitude is the characteristic of Satan, so God will leave such a family. Once Satan enters a family, it breaks down. The parents raise the children, insisting, “You must live for us.” The children tell their parents, “Father, mother, live for me.” They each want the other to live for their sake, so the family breaks apart.
(69:87, October 20, 1973)

Wives often lie to their husbands, and husbands to their wives, in order to hide things from each other. Each tries to possess a realm over which they have sole control. If your family is like this, you are still connected with Satan’s world.
(396:257, November 10, 2002)

When a wife suggests to her husband, “Please do this,” he answers, “Yes.” When the husband suggests to his wife, “Please do this,” she answers, “Yes.” Is it right when a husband and wife obey each other like that?… Should the central point of a marriage be the husband, the wife, or their love? It should be love.
(91:220, February 20, 1977)

It is not easy being a husband. Although you come home tired from work, you still have responsibilities toward your wife. Although your work was full of difficulties and aggravations, you still have responsibilities toward your wife. The greater the difficulties, the greater are your responsibilities toward your wife. The fact that you are tired is no excuse. The same is true for you wives. It does not matter whether you like your husband or do not like your husband; you still have responsibilities toward him. The basic rule is joint responsibility.

Your spouse stands before you as God’s representative on earth. He or she is in a unique position as God’s representative, more than any other person in the nation or any other person on earth.

Husbands and wives who have thoughts other than this while they live on earth will go to a fearful hell.

Likewise, as parents, you have to be careful that you never cause your children to say, “Our mother and father are always fighting.” If your children see you like that, then regardless of how well you do otherwise, you will end up in hell. Rather, you should act in such a way that your children say, “Our father represents God. He is God in our home. Our father is our home’s president. Our father is our home’s saint.” They should say the same things about their mother. The sages of old had a saying, “All is well when there is harmony at home.” In the Unification Church, we go a step further and call for “harmony with Heaven.” We must create harmony with Heaven everywhere in the cosmos.
(101:41-42, October 28, 1978)

A woman who sometimes gets hysterical, crying, “Eeek!” needs a mate who can comprehend her ways. When she gets upset at her husband, calling, “John!” he should calmly reply, “Oh, yes?” He should not snap back at her, “What do you want now?” Instead he should take his time, slowly turn to face her, and say, “Yessss?” [making a face].
The rockiest and steepest mountain has the loudest and strongest echo. When you shout at it, “Bee!” the mountain answers with a resounding “Boo-oom.” A husband should give that kind of echo to his wife. When his wife nags him, “Ng, ng, ng,” he responds, “umm, umm, ummmm.” A true man has such a nature, something that is mysterious to his wife. He should be different from her and not just react to whatever she says.
(118:225-26, June 6, 1982)

When a husband and wife have separate bank accounts and say, “This is my money and that is your money,” is that perfect love? Perfect love goes beyond this and says, “My money is as much yours as it is mine.”
Would you want to set preconditions on your partner before you get married, or would you ask only for love? Does a person who requires his or her partner to sign a prenuptial agreement really trying to love or just pretending to love? Perhaps he or she is using love.
That is not our way; we should live for love. Marriage means gathering together all your power, knowledge, money, and yourself, and putting everything in one package to present to your husband, asking only for his love in return.
(92:192, April 10, 1977)

When a true husband or true wife encounters difficulties, he or she does not weep and complain, “Because of that terrible husband…” or “because of that terrible wife, I am ruined.” Instead, they weep repentant tears, saying, “Because I was lacking in devotion, I could not make my husband happy,” or “I could not make my wife happy.” The husband and wife who live together in this manner are a true husband and a true wife.
(204:41, June 29, 1990)

Who is a true wife? A true wife determines that she was born for her husband, lives for him and would die for him. Only in that place, can she be a true wife. Who is a true husband? A true husband determines that he was born for his wife, lives for her and would die for her.

The ideal of God’s creation lies in this, though most people don’t realize it.

As we practice this, we come to understand the principle: We exist to live for the sake of others. Only by living in this manner can we find true love. Since God set up this principle, it is the only path for humans to find happiness and hope.
(77:293, April 25, 1975)