2. Raising Children with Firmness and Love

World Scripture

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6.4

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22.6

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
Proverbs 13.24

You can only coil a fish when it is fresh.²⁷
Nupe Proverb (African Traditional Religions)

What son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers to discipline us and we respected them… For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12.7-11

A child picks up earth, dirty things, tiles, stones, old bones, pieces of wood and puts them into his mouth, at which the father and mother, apprehensive of the harms that might arise thereby, take the child with the left hand and with the right take these out…

For the father and mother of an only son, in sleep or while awake, or while walking, standing, sitting or reclining, their minds always think of the son. If he does wrong, they give kindly advice and lead the boy that he does not do evil any more.
Mahaparinirvana Sutra 471 (Buddhism)

As the child, according to its natural disposition, commits thousands of faults, the father instructs and slights, but again hugs him to his bosom.
Adi Granth, Sorath, M.5 (Sikhism)

[The prodigal son] arose and came to his father. But while he was yet at a distance, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” But the father said to his servants, “Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet; and bring the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and make merry; for this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.”
Luke 15.20-24

A daughter keeps her father secretly wakeful,
and worry over her robs him of sleep;
when she is young, lest she do not marry,
or if married, lest she be hated;
while a virgin, lest she be defiled
or become pregnant in her father’s house;
or having a husband, lest she prove unfaithful,
or, though married, lest she be barren.
Ecclesiasticus 42.9-10 (Christianity)

Teachings of Sun Myung Moon

Children do not like it if you criticize them repeatedly. Rather, they are happy if you accept and praise them even when they do wrong. Immature children need to be appeased in this way, to encourage them with praise. Nevertheless, children are self-centered. When they see something they like, they want to have it right away. Therefore, they need education.
(36:73, November 15, 1970)

Sometimes parents push their children hard, and even spank them on occasion, but it is for their sake. Then after pushing them like that, the father and mother pray for their children in tears, unable to sleep at night. That is true love.
(102:253-54, January 14, 1979)

Do you know what true parental love is? A true parent never thinks, “Now I am investing in my children’s future, but someday I will receive it all back with interest.” Parental love is to sacrifice day and night in loving their children, giving and giving more without ceasing. Thus, a mother keeps her children in mind even when she goes to the market, thinking that she would like to buy something more for them. That sort of parental love is close to the original love that God implanted in us. Because love has this origin, there is a basis to save humankind.
(142:35, March 3, 1986)

Parents want to give their child the most valuable thing they own. Nevertheless, as long as the child is unable to manage it properly, they cannot give it. Were they to receive it when they were not ready, it could harm them. For example, a sharp knife is dangerous for a child, and no parent lets his child play with one, no matter how much he wants it.
(29:108, February 25, 1970)

There is a Korean proverb, “Give a piece of cake to a person you hate, but a spank to the one you love.” It makes sense. When our parents scold us, we need to understand their loving heart, and when they hit us with a rod, we need to feel the pain they are going through and shed tears with them. Then we can inherit the proper tradition to continue in the next generation.
(95:81, October 23, 1977)

Parents who raise their fists and strike their children in anger should immediately repent. The mother who does not hit her children, but rather sheds tears of compassion and love, is a more effective parent. The mother who disciplines this way will never be dominated by her children. She will always be successful at inducing her children to submit to her guidance. Were she to hit them, she would get poorer results.
(41:332, February 18, 1971)

You and your spouse should never fight in front of your children. Never. Promise that you will never do it. This is the case in my own family. Because my wife and I have kept that promise, our children grew up secure in the belief that their parents never quarrel and love each other more than any other parents in the world. Thus you should educate your children, that they can regard their parents as their source of hope… If you have a son, he should say, “I want to become like my Dad.” Your daughter should say, “I want to become like my Mom.” That is the right way to educate them.
(90:123, October 21, 1976)

Parents can give a general direction to their children and let them solve the detailed problems by themselves. I was a self-supporting student. Tigers let their cubs experience severe trials and harsh discipline in order to rear them to be the kings of the mountain by developing their wild nature. Iron gets stronger by heating. This is an important lesson to think about when educating children.
(Blessing and Ideal Family 7.5.5)

No matter how painful a situation your children put you through, when they come to you with tears in their eyes and ask your forgiveness, you must forget all the bad memories and once again put on a happy face.
(23:182, May 18, 1969)

What is the essence of love? It is living for others. It is giving what we have to others. Where does love originate? It originates from God. Since God is the Subject of absolute love, He desires to give. That is the essence of His love. When viewed from this perspective, parental love is the closest to the essence of love.
Parental love always strives to give. Although a child turns to wickedness and refuses to listen to his parents, if the parents continue to love him even more than before, the child will repent. Were the parent to reproach the child, saying, “You still don’t recognize my love for you, even though I have invested so much for you that my back is bent!” and strike him with a stick, after three times the child would pack and run away. However, if the parent weeps in front of the child, saying, “Your problems are all because I could not love you enough. It is my fault for not loving you more,” and showers him with still more love, the child’s heart will melt and he will return to the parent. A greater love has the subjective ability to embrace and digest a lesser love.
(48:182-83, September 12, 1971)

According to spiritual law, the worst crime is for a parent to neglect or abuse his or her children, driving them into the dungeons of hell. There is no forgiveness for such acts… God could never treat His children that way, so He cannot forgive those who do.
On the other hand, God is moved to see parents who are willing and ready to die for their children. He will say, “You resemble Me; that is the way I have been living, sacrificing everything for My children.” Thus, parents who would die for their children can enter heaven.
(93:335, June 17, 1977)